glow in the darkI vomited for three days straight until it was just blood filling the toilet & I am so angry with myself I want to cry I want to dissipate into the streetlight just like all the other sad people who want to cry but can’t because of drugs and the hangover is so stale that my mouth feels like two chalkboard erasers being banged together when I talk it is pure dust and I want to disappear, I think I already said that, anyways I don’t disappear & I sit in front of one of my many mirrors and watch myself because grief is so pretty to me and I’m afraid that this will be the hangover I can’t outrun and I will wear it like a stain like the imprints of chalk eraser on the brick wall of the school & nothing will taste as bad as water tastes to me right now except last night Sam’s friend asked me for my number & isn’t it funny how unclaimed it made me feel so I gave him my number because I don’t have a good enough reason not to & it’s not that I want to feel claimed just tethered as the reality TV star having a breakdown at couple’s therapy like give me something bigger than myself so I can ruin it I am sliding slowly down the couch but slow as a continental drift and I don’t realize it is happening until I am the floor & honestly that applies to a lot of my life right now and it is Sunday night but I probably won’t fully wake up until Wednesday and one day I will finally wake up dead but until then my neighbor is cooking dinner through the wall and most nights we cook dinner at the same time and I slice zucchini while he pops open a jar of what sounds like sauce and when it goes quiet on the other side of the wall I assume he is sitting alone at his kitchen table eating silently so I do the same thing and maybe we will always be mirroring each other on opposites sides of a thin wall for the rest of our lives or at least our leases & is that love? because I have no clue what love is which creates a sadness in me so heavy I am excited it will kill me because I know how loneliness because I know how loneliness because I know how loneliness is as hungry as the moon behind a cloud is wanting to be seen so I hope that the man through the wall is capable of loving visibly and I hope he makes someone feel claimed and illuminated & if he can do that for me I will stop fantasizing about disappearing into a streetlight because planes are so heavy but somehow they still manage to fly & that makes me more hopeful even when sleep tastes bad to me and I lie still at 3:37 a.m. until I hear his mattress groan so I know he is awake too blinking in the darkness looking for something when there isn’t anything to see half an obituaryI will be here not wanting much more than the view of Billy’s arm reaching across the hatchback to silence his phone. Later, the woman is found dead in the other room, well technically Rocky Neck Park, I’ll never know how without an online subscription to The Day though when I say I imagine her walking in to the sea, my mother reminds me Rocky Neck is all forest as if I haven’t noticed they are being gentle around me again. ✱✱✱ 
|
Archives
February 2020
Categories
All
|