trauma in parts by erin taylor

i am writing this in my sleep / i am finding myself again even though my roots are
charred / i lack roots even though the farmer told me to hold onto them / i was too
busy planting other people’s gardens / to look after my own / i buy a bottle of water / i
am thirsty / i buy five bottles of water / i am drowning yet it is not enough / enough to
stop my craving / caving into pressure in my head / i am not enough enough enough /
for myself / i wish i was a tall building people walked through / in and out in and out /
as long as they promised to return / an apartment complex / may be / my chest has
been cut open for a long time / now / and i cannot stitch myself back together nor
would i / want to / i want to live on the moon / naked / i want to stop returning text
messages / i want to stop seeking validation / LOVE ME / i can not scream loud
enough / my throat is bleeding / LOVE ME / i have climbed higher mountains than this /
in order to request smaller tasks / i remember sitting on city steps / waiting for you to
come / i am forever waiting / for someone / usually it is myself /

i want to hold myself at eleven / it is okay to cry / allow yourself to cry / please cry / it is
not a lack of strength / it is beautiful to be vulnerable / but everyone else is crying /
everyone else needs comforting / need a joke / need a smile / you cannot be
everyone’s light / you cannot be the sun / you will only mask your own shadow / he is
not coming back / he is not coming back / did he touch you / did he touch you / ? /
you do not understand words like that / you do understand that everyone is crying / let
yourself cry / mourn / exhaust / exist / be /

can you talk less / be less / be more of this / less of that / why are you crying / sorry i
didn’t mean to make you cry / please stop crying / i just don’t know why you think this
/ feel this / are this / why are you talking to him / her / him / her / he has feelings for you
/ she has feelings for you / a threat / a threat / CODE RED / why are you crying / why
are you like this / i am only doing this because i love you / i want to be with you / you
are the best person i know / you love me so well / so well / so well / why are you crying
/ do you ever stop crying / my voice is loud / is yelling / is screaming / to love you
louder / i love you out loud / i want the whole world to know it / why do you want me to
touch you / need me to touch you / you have changed / i am not happy / why did you
change / you were so great before / you used to be more / now you are less / i didn’t
want this / i wanted that / she is better / you are nothing / you were never anything /

you have a 70′s playboy / bush / it’s hot / i’m not usually into that / we don’t have to
have sex / i just need a bed / i just need your bed / let me kiss your neck / i haven’t
touched a woman in months / you are a woman / you are beautiful / don’t worry / i
won’t hurt you / i don’t bite / why do you seem so afraid of / me / go to sleep / i’m
sorry / i could not control myself / why aren’t you moving / why did you let me into your
room / if you did not want / this / i’ll see you later / at the club / ? /

i am too much / i have become one with / emotion / i am changing / constantly / rapidly
/ cycling through / myself / am i not enough for myself / am i not enough for anyone /
or / too much for anyone / please love me / i am sorry / i have been touched too many
times / i have been felt too many times / yet still not enough / i am not crying / i am just
trying to / understand / why i need / to be burnt down / a forest in need of / renewal /
please hold me / because i am / so alone / here / and there / and everywhere / please
love me / LOVE ME / i cannot / do not / love myself / i am in a rapid race / to self love /
self discovery / but first you must give me fifty / reasons why i am / worth loving / i
have forgotten /

✱✱✱

Erin Taylor is a Tulsan poet currently based out of Hangzhou, China. Her poetry has been featured at Reality Beach, Word's Dance, Moloko House, Be About It, and more. She has a chapbook OOOO on preorder right now from Bottlecap Press. She is also a contributing writer at Eris Magazine. She is made of feelings & you can read more of her writing at amarettoandslayin.tumblr.com