such smalls hands like the e,e, cummings poem by rebecca upton

everyone is always amazed by my small hands
my small hands that used to smash against the walls of my closet
in high school
never enough to leave a dent
never enough to bruise my knuckles,
they just turned a little red
 
that’s how i handled panic attacks
after getting off the phone with him
the first time i saw my reflection afterwards
i thought i was dying
and i went to my parents’ room and said
“i think i’m dying, call the hospital” and they said
“no no, you’re just having a panic attack”
my mother gave me an ativan and i was fine
 
i think if i could tell a child anything it would be
“someday you will find out
how easy it is to not be a monster
how easy it is to not be anything”

✱✱✱

Rebecca Upton is a college student from New Hampshire. She is the author of two chapbooks, looking for ltr with goth and To My Disorder, which can be found along with her other writing pieces at crackedmoth.tumblr.com. She tweets as vaporwavemoth. She likes Elliott Smith, 90's emo music, and cheap wine.