here i am sleeping at the altar, drinking the holy water like cough syrup. here i am beneath the stained glass window trying to cheat death i paint my body with the ashes of this holy fire, line my too-light eyes with charcoal. i am learning how to see clearly in the darkness. my southern sky constellation, my nighttime ocean, i am holding you against me as if i can stop the waves from crashing. i am controlling the tide for you. i wash away the blood as if there will not be more. bathe in the iron, my name becomes a copper coin on your tongue. blessed be. beloved. i want you to say this until it feels real until you know the color of an electric candle in a room shrouded in darkness. until you learn your own holiness. beloved. give me your hand, let me show you this night sky crystallized i am creating a home in my body for your heaviness. i am hanging holly and lilies from the ceiling, singing and closing all the windows i will trap myself inside, sleep tangled in the arms of your trauma. i search your hair for rings as if in a tree cut, charting every loss, every cruelty every time the weight of personhood nearly ruined you. beloved, i am beading your resin tears. i hold them like a rosary, like a lover. don't search for me, don't ask me why i had to adorn this shrine with dead flowers, dried juniper, torn clothing, my own teeth you know it takes sacrifice to reach sanctity ✱✱✱
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