scatter by hailey knisley

taking the long way home
to tell me you’re tired
of
us

I am tired
of  
scouring the bottom of my feet
looking for reasons to look back
leaving pieces of myself
everywhere I go
a stream of everything I consider,
slipping out of my heels,
bouncing off the concrete
and back into my mouth,
but losing bits along the way
bits I’ve scavenged for
bits I’ve fought for
bits of you that you’ve been looking for

I’m tracking things in the house now
you’re upset, because I never take my shoes off
I never turn my mind off
I’m upset because you don’t call me by name
as if I blend in with the books and the towel rack
you own every bit of me you wish to see
and I keep dragging
the other bits in
the ones of me that cared for someone else
the ones of me that never cared for myself
they’re all here
in the other room
down the hall
there’s a password
knock three times and they’ll ask which way I fall

the answer is forwards
always stumbling into uncomfortability
into the heavy brown that weighs on me every time
you catch me with your eyes
and string me up in the rafters
then glance elsewhere fleeting suspension as I hover over the ground
and dropping me to the floor,  
breaking the smaller bits
the bits that aren’t replaceable

you say you are tired
of
us, but
truly you are tired of who I made myself be

you’ve explored all my caverns
all my interesting
all my depraved
and you’d like to trade me in
for a smoother, seamless smile
one that won’t care for unwanted bits
one that will ignore your missteps
and gather your loose ends behind you
one that will fit

✱✱✱

Hailey Knisley is currently attending Kent State University for Digital Media Production. She has been published in Eleanor: A Zine, as well as Kent's literary magazine Luna Negra. She's been a vegetarian for twelve years, but can eat an entire jar of Nutella if the opportunity is presented. Her favorite pastimes include watching Reality Bites on repeat, trying to do homework in spite of her cat, and crying.