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i watched you die last night and left you in the snow packed ice against your ribcage keep him like this forever, i tell the coyotes that gather at your boots he loved basketball and his father, i think or just basketball. was i meant to survive this your diary on my bedside table. that long finger tracing the veins of my cheek. i was always blushing. now i wash my mouth out with soap. erase the grit. i meet my dad for coffee and tell him that you left because we weren’t in love anymore and it can be true. and i put more creamer into my coffee. and i try to feel something again. i retrace my steps down chase avenue. past UDF. deleted voicemails. the newsreels. the national crisis. your blue eyes. your dirtiness. oh my god. you kept me so hot it was like you were alive. on the street we used to live on, i can become anyone: your mother, a carcass, streetcleaner, your boss the woman that lives in the alley telling me people are so goddamn mean, a little boy, banging a stick on lampposts down the street, yelling each time oh my god, another one? he’s laughing. it’s a game, his mother asks him to keep up-- oh my god, another one? oh my god, another one? lover, are you eating lover, meet me where we vanish into white i can’t find your body anymore was i meant to survive you oh my god, another one? oh my god, another one? oh my god, another one? oh my god
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