there are voids between my regressions of you. only feelings linger still heavy & haunting taking me back, piecing missing parts of the whole: i bled at ten the first time, my breasts ripened at twelve. exploring my sex, i dreamt of mature men inside me, i never dreamt of you. you eyed me from my pubescence. i didn’t know you claimed me as your lolita even then, even if i didn’t want you. you touched me anyways while i had no consent, nor could i separate a simple touch from yours. did you think me stupid? there were witnesses watching. i ever wonder, could they tell? & if they did, why shrug it off? complicated life is not convenient-- my excuse for years. tell me, did she ever sense her gut feeling? when trouble hailed your paradise. when you sealed your lips soiling mine making yourself whole for the night. did she? still i feel your putrid spit i can’t spit out years after. i vowed to never be alone with you, even in company. i feared you, convulsing from within. more so, complicated life was not convenient for us. i hushed my sorrow back to sleep. ✱✱✱
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